As much as my eleven-day road trip rejuvenated me, from the moment my bags were unpacked it was back to reality for both me and my travelling companion. While she had to go straight back to work and deal with all kinds of deadlines and meetings and appointments, all I went back to is the job market’s waiting room in which I write application letters and wait around for rejection letters. In other words, I just sank right back into the huge still lake that is my life.
I may sound ungrateful, but all around me, people are busy-beeing around, and I can’t even fathom what that must be like. I have all the time in the world to read the books I want to read, watch the television series I want to watch, play the games I want to play, visit the places I want to visit and yet I’m far from feeling satisfied. It just isn’t the right time for anything like that – I am NOT a retired person, I’m in the spring of my life and yet NOTHING IS HAPPENING, I have no control over anything. A year ago, nothing was happening either, but then at least I was in control over my thesis. I had the power and the responsibility to shape it as I saw fit, add a piece here, rewrite a piece there, I could even tear it all up and start over if I wanted to. Back then, however, I saw my thesis as an obstacle that paralyzed me and was standing in the way of the rest of my life. I was convinced that once I had overcome that obstacle, I would be able to move on. But now that that’s been dealt with, now that there are no more deadlines to meet, no more words to write, and no more library visits to make… what’s left? There is no huge gaping black hole like I feared there would be, there’s just nothing left to shape, nothing that can bring me any satisfaction. I’m standing still and the world has ran out of colour. As a result, I haven’t been feeling very creative or inspired, hence the utter silence on Books, etc. I couldn’t even bring myself to write the monthly wrap-ups of books I’ve been reading.
I know – jobs can be stressful, jobs can be boring, colleagues can be irritating, the pay can be lousy, bosses can be incompetent, your own free time can be compromised, but all that sounds like music to my ears right now. At least there would be something going on, I would be moving again, and maybe I would even be writing again.
Amen, sistah